Taylor Swift’s song, “I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can),” from her album *The Tortured Poets Department* (2024), sparks a conversation about the “fixer” mentality in relationships. The song, without even listening to it, hints at the narrative of someone attempting to change their partner.
A “fixer” is someone driven to improve or alter others to fit their standards. In Swift’s case, speculation points towards Matty Healy, the controversial vocalist of The 1975, as the subject of the song. Healy’s public image contrasts sharply with Swift’s carefully cultivated persona as a role model.
This desire to “fix” someone is common in romantic relationships. How many of us have believed we could change a partner’s anger issues? Or believed marriage and children would magically transform a partner into a gentler soul? This extends beyond romantic relationships; we might try to “fix” friends, family members, or even colleagues struggling with various life challenges.
The Burden of Being a Fixer
While appearing noble, the act of constantly trying to “fix” others carries significant drawbacks. Toni Bernhard, a retired professor and self-help author, recounts her experience as a “fixer” in her *Psychology Today* article. As a dean of students, she felt compelled to ensure everyone’s happiness, extending this even to mediating trivial disputes between roommates over air conditioning temperature.
This behavior extended to her children, constantly intervening to prevent sadness or disappointment. She recounts calling teachers or other parents if her children experienced any kind of upset. Even into adulthood, she continued this pattern. She eventually realized the immense toll this took on her energy and mental well-being, creating anxiety and unhappiness for herself.
Bernhard’s experience highlights a crucial point: people need to learn to navigate life’s ups and downs independently. Her desire to shield her children from hardship ironically created unhappiness for herself. Her own attempts to control their emotional well-being prevented them from learning resilience. This is a common theme in the lives of fixers: they sacrifice their own well-being for the perceived needs of others.
The Exhaustion and Frustration of Fixing
Clinical psychologist Adia Gooden, PhD, notes in *Self* magazine that fixers often experience exhaustion and frustration. Their efforts are frequently disregarded, or even met with negativity from those they try to help. This leads to a build-up of resentment and anger, further depleting their own emotional reserves.
So where does this urge to fix others stem from? Dr. Miwa Patnani, a psychologist, identifies several contributing factors. These include a tendency towards subjective judgment, leading to a lack of objectivity and comprehension; self-serving bias, where positive attributes are attributed to oneself and negative ones to others; different personal standards of what constitutes “good” or “acceptable”; and perfectionism, where flaws in others must be corrected.
Additionally, some individuals learn to become fixers through upbringing. For example, children from chaotic or conflict-ridden households may learn to mediate disputes and take on the role of caregiver at a young age. This sets a pattern that may persist into adulthood. The inherent role as a “fixer” or savior becomes ingrained and deeply ingrained in their behavior and perception.
The Illusion of Control
Ultimately, the question arises: can we truly fix others? Mel Robbins, author of *The 5 Second Rule*, argues that no, we cannot. Change must come from within the individual. Forcing change often results in resistance. Dr. Miwa Patnani echoes this, emphasizing that our perception of someone’s flaws might not align with objective reality, and the other person may not even desire change.
This behavior can lead to codependency, where one individual becomes emotionally reliant on another. For example, constantly assisting an unemployed relative with job searches and applications sends a message that they don’t need to take responsibility for their life. This only prevents them from developing the necessary skills and self-reliance needed to become independent.
The attempt to control another person’s life and outcomes inadvertently robs them of the opportunity for personal growth and learning. This can create strain in relationships and ultimately lead to social isolation for the fixer. People may be wary of those who always seem to be trying to fix their problems rather than fostering healthy relationships based on mutual respect and support.
Therefore, despite the urge to help, it’s crucial to consider the consequences before acting as a “fixer.” Every individual is responsible for their own journey, and helping someone become more self-sufficient will, in the long run, be healthier than constantly attempting to correct their life course.
In conclusion, while the desire to help those we care about is commendable, constantly trying to “fix” others is ultimately detrimental to both the fixer and the person they are attempting to “fix”. A healthier approach focuses on supporting and empowering others to solve their own problems rather than attempting to control their lives. It’s vital to recognize that genuine help involves encouraging self-reliance and respecting individual autonomy.
